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The Battle of Hastings( by


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I hadn't heard this monologue by Marriott Edgar for many years until I attended a funeral last week, when it was read out to the congregation as a bit of light relief. I couldn't stop tittering at the humour, because it's typically Northern and I live in Lancashire in the North of England.....and this is the normal lancashire accent I used, which I think adds to the feel. You'll notice that a lot of the Aitch's are not pronounced as is normal around these parts, hence the line ...."on his 'orse with his 'awk in his 'and" (on his horse with his hawk in his hand). Marriott Edgar wrote quite a few funny monologues which were regularly played on the radio when I was young and they must have been written for the Lancashire accent as they were written that way. Hope it brings a smile, M
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Lyrics
The Battle of Hastings by Marriott Edgar.

I'll tell of the Battle of Hastings,
As happened in days long gone by,
When Duke William became King of England,
And 'Arold got shot in the eye.

It were this way - one day in October
The Duke, who were always a toff
Having no battles on at the moment,
Had given his lads a day off.

They'd all taken boats to go fishing,
When some chap in t' Conqueror's ear
Said 'Let's go and put breeze up the Saxons;'
Said Bill - 'By gum, that's an idea.'

Then turning around to his soldiers,
He lifted his big Nonnan voice,
Shouting - 'Hands up who's coming to England.'
That was swank 'cos they hadn't no choice.

They started away about tea-time -
The sea was so calm and so still,
And at quarter to ten the next morning
They arrived at a place called Bexhill.

King 'Arold came up as they landed -
His face full of venom and 'ate -
He said 'lf you've come for Regatta
You've got here just six weeks too late.'

At this William rose, cool but 'aughty,
And said 'Give us none of your cheek;
You'd best have your throne re-upholstered,
I'll be wanting to use it next week.'

When 'Arold heard this 'ere defiance,
With rage he turned purple and blue,
And shouted some rude words in Saxon,
To which William answered - 'And you.'

'Twere a beautiful day for a battle;
The Normans set off with a will,
And when both sides was duly assembled,
They tossed for the top of the hill.

King 'Arold he won the advantage,
On the hill-top he took up his stand,
With his knaves and his cads all around him,
On his 'orse with his 'awk in his 'and.

The Normans had nowt in their favour,
Their chance of a victory seemed small,
For the slope of the field were against them,
And the wind in their faces an' all.

The kick-off were sharp at two-thirty,
And soon as the whistle had went
Both sides started banging each other
'Til the swineherds could hear them in Kent.

The Saxons had best line of forwards,
Well armed both with buckler and sword -
But the Normans had best combination,
And when half-time came neither had scored.

So the Duke called his cohorts together
And said - 'Let's pretend that we're beat,
Once we get Saxons down on the level
We'll cut off their means of retreat.'

So they ran - and the Saxons ran after,
Just exactly as William had planned,
Leaving 'Arold alone on the hill-top
On his 'orse with his 'awk in his 'and.

When the Conqueror saw what had happened,
A bow and an arrow he drew;
He went right up to 'Arold and shot him.
He were off-side, but what could they do?

The Normans turned round in a fury,
And gave back both parry and thrust,
Till the fight were all over bar shouting,
And you couldn't see Saxons for dust.

And after the battle were over
They found 'Arold so stately and grand,
Sitting there with an eye-full of arrow
On his 'orse with his 'awk in his 'and.
Song Stats
Hits: 998
Comments: 9
Fans: 13
Plays: 44
Downloads: 8

Uploaded: Jul 23, 2016 - 02:12:39 PM
Last Updated: Jul 23, 2016 - 02:12:39 PM Last Played: Sep 04, 2017 - 08:40:40 AM
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Comments
Philip18 said 486 days ago (July 23rd, 2016)
The Battle of Hastings
British humour - you gotta love it! Entertaining, Maurice.
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Skean said 485 days ago (July 24th, 2016)
The Battle of Hastings
You always bring a smile and love with your stuff, cheers.
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Franciscus_Henri said 485 days ago (July 24th, 2016)
I want more...
The joy of the story told...who needs Music?

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abzwork said 484 days ago (July 25th, 2016)
Battle....
What a gem my friend...such a proper accent!...I'm smiling...
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Moviz said 484 days ago (July 25th, 2016)
Thank you all
Philip, Kenta, Franciscus, Jack, Joe, Daug, Dick and Erin, for listening; Just pleased you could all understand that broad accent LOL, regards M
Check out my latest song called Angels
PeterB7858 said 475 days ago (August 3rd, 2016)
The Battle of Hastings
Great to hear this again, Maurice. Haven't heard it for many years. A great bit of 'istorical 'umor. Love the accent. That repeated last line "On his 'orse with his 'awk in his 'and" is a classic. Thanks for this.
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Moviz said 474 days ago (August 4th, 2016)
Glad you
enjoyed it Peter.....I hadn't heard it for years either. I surprised myself at the viciousness of my tone when he said "And You!" ha ha ha....you don't always realise what your own speaking tone sounds like, but it made me laugh, because I usually use that tone at other drivers LOL, cheers M
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Hickling_Stan said 451 days ago (August 27th, 2016)
Smiling
Ah Maurice this is great. Not heard this one before. Think you should do Albert and the Lion next!!! cheers mark
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Moviz said 451 days ago (August 27th, 2016)
Thanks Mark...
I did think about the Albert and the Lion one too, but I like the one that followed that one too, cheers M
Check out my latest song called Angels
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Name: Maurice Vizard
Location: UK
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They say time is a healer, which it is, but not when your a singer. Nevertheless, I love being part of this community and hope to continue making contributions for as long as i can. ... [see more]

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